Submitted by Anneke Elmhirst
Yup. I have new and exciting thoughts.
Remember the concern I posted some time last year, about my mother finding my website and me getting outed involuntarily?
Yeah. I forgot she follows me on Instagram.
On a random Tuesday a few weeks ago, I was fighting my way through a migraine, and I woke up dazed and confused to the message, "Welllllllll I guess you just came out to your parent as kinky???"
Yes, verbatim.
Of course I knew exactly what had happened from her phrasing. She came across the previous post.
I'm not actually proud of my knee-jerk response. I played dumb for the first message, just replying with "... What?"
And then the real gem of the conversation:
"Was it the purple dildo?"
Reader, very long ago, in my tweenage years, I had helped my mother rearrange her bedroom. When I picked up the mattress, I uncovered a sex toy. I had forgotten the details besides fleeing the room in a typical embarrassed fluster, but clearly she had not.
If I hadn't been in so much pain, I would have screamed laughing. After a few more similar back-and-forth texts, I capitulated and asked if it was the blog. She said that yes, it was indeed, and we would talk about it later.
The next day, we connected over the phone. I was braced for any number of questions or comments. Her very first one was a doozy.
"So, what exactly do you do?"
I immediately asked for clarification. Thank goodness I did. She meant to ask what I coached.
Oh! Well, that's easy!
I explained how I coached people on their journeys in kink, be that as a newbie wanting to break into the scene or an experienced pro looking for next steps in their relationships. I spoke in the most general terms possible, both to avoid dropping client details and to avoid scaring her.
The next question was even easier. "What exactly is kink?"
I gave her my stock answer, "A sensory or emotional-seeking experience, generally related to sex."
"Oh! That's not bad!"
Her preconception was of aberrant or immoral behavior, crossing into illegal territory. I decided not to mention that many basic forms of consensual kink can be interpreted as illegal. Even light impact play is technically against Pennsylvania law.
She wanted no details about my personal tastes in the conversation, and I was more than happy to oblige. What she did want was a basic assurance that I was safe. The news about Hacienda (a kinky sex club in NYC with multiple consent violation allegations) had broken just that morning, and I gave her a basic rundown of my various safety protocols. She wanted numbers she could call if she couldn't reach me for a few days, and I gladly handed them over.
The conversation was, in all honesty, entirely anticlimactic. Which suited me just fine.
The invisible labor in that conversation had happened the night before - semi-frantic texts to all partners asking about their boundaries and comfort with the conversation should their names be brought up, planning and rehearsing responses, imagining the most invasive questions she could possibly ask.
All of it entirely unnecessary.
The more I tell this story to friends in the community, the more common I believe this experience is. One friend apparently brought it up with no reaction other than a brief silence and a topic change. To me, that feels more disrespectful than the most personal question possible. I had an honest, authentic, boundaried conversation, exactly what I wanted.
So how does this affect my previous post? Well, I think I was missing one crucial point.
When deciding how you want to have the conversation, the most important choice you can make is how you want to feel.
How do you want to show up in the conversation?
Do you want to be an open book and welcome every question?
Do you want to be confident, stern, light-hearted, matter-of-fact, clinical, etc?
My original article was written on the defensive. Mostly because that's how I felt about the scenario at the time. I put a lot of thought into it, but it was still more of a reactionary response than a proactive statement.
If you're deciding to have this conversation, commit. Not just to the information disclosure, but to the mindset. Decide on the person you want to be and let that shape your decision-making. It's totally fine to prepare and anticipate, but in the end, you're only in control of yourself, not their reactions.
When preparing for my conversation, I decided I wanted to lean into one of my favorite roles: educator. And not to toot my own horn, but I think I did a bang-up job.
Stay real, my dears.
~Anneke
Anneke Elmhirst is our resident alternative relationship coach who works with all types of clients. She approaches coaching through a trauma-informed lens and is constantly educating herself further on various mental health topics which blogs about on her All For Love Coaching site. You can also book a 1-on-1 session with Anneke directly from her page here on our site.
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